Diary of Liam(11⅓) and Oscar(11¼) in Pwehelli, Wales – blog 1

Unashamedly based on ‘Diary of Stephen(7) and Peter(6) in Auntie Mary’s cottage in Co Mayo in August 2000. And mainly for Mammy Grimes.

Evelyn says we have to do this because we will be delighted when we are old like her to have a written memory of it. Sheesh. And we know she’s going to edit it and put words in our mouths (or on our page – like SHEESH, and MEGA-like- WHO says that? But she won’t print impolite language because the Grimes’s might read it and they don’t do impolite language – YEAH!!). But that’s ok – because we love her (see, she put that bit in).

On with day 1.

We had to get up mad early – like - the sky was orange and red and Evelyn told us about red sky in the morning being sailors’ warning but we thought she made it up. Anyway it looked weird. And there were about twenty mega minutes where we talked really loudly at each other non-stop trying to be better than each other at saying random stuff. And then there were - like - no cars AT ALL on the road and it felt like maybe the end of the world or something. Then Evelyn told us to SHUT UP for ten minutes. So we whispered and snorted back laughs and did sniggers over all any kind of bodily emissions or excretions (see, she put those proper words in as well). Sheesh! We’re ELEVEN! What does she expect – intellectual discourse on the non-existence or otherwise of a god?

Anyway, we got early to the ferry because Liam was appointed Operations Manager and he’s really anal about being early for everything, even worse than Evelyn. So we were first in the queue and Evelyn stayed in the car dozing and enjoying the sunshine and the birds and stuff and we went over to this café where this really horrible woman tried to ignore us. She was one of those adults who thinks kids aren’t real people and glares at them and tries to make them feel like dog poo on a shoe. But we still got something to eat – but it was horrible. Then we waited and waited and waited and finally got on the ferry and Evelyn found a comfy seat to sit and read and doze (she does a lot of that) and we went off exploring. And we found this deadly arcade. So we came back to Evelyn and asked for our daily tenners and she did that thing with her mouth where it looks like an arse bottom and frowned and only gave us £3 each because she thought that was enough to spend in ‘one of those places’.

So we went back to the arcade, played a few games and went on deck and around the ship and explored but that was boring so we went back and asked Evelyn for the rest of our money. So she gave us the lecture about how a tenner was way too much to spend in an arcade especially before half past nine in the morning (even though we’d been awake for hours so it was basically half past TWO, Jesus Sheesh) Yeah, yeah. If we wanted to spend all our daily allowance or even all our holiday money before we even got halfway across the Irish sea why did she care? It was our money wasn’t it? Liam said that (he never knows when to shut up) and Evelyn’s arse funny-shaped lips got tinier. Like, why did it bother her, we knew the rule about no more money. Mams!

Then all the money was gone and the movie they had on was crap and Evelyn lost our comfy seats so we had to wander about until we found somewhere else. Then we had a marathon session of Hangman and Evelyn hung us with ‘aggravation’ ‘seasonally’ and ‘disobedience’ and Oscar won with ‘popsicle’ and ‘cheeseburger’ and Liam tried to be smart but got caught with a word that wasn’t even a word. Then Liam won with ‘Po’ but Evelyn disputed the use of placenames and rivers and stuff – but he still won. Liam caught her ‘ectoplasm’ before we were hung. It was a great giddy laugh, ‘cept Liam gets a bit thick when he loses and Evelyn gave him a bit of another lecture. Families.

We were getting tired and fed up but then it was Holyhead and Evelyn had a panicky minute when we got into the car ‘cause she had left the radio on. But the battery was Ok and Liam stopped having heart failures about the nearly shame. Then we got pulled in by Customs into this shed and Evelyn nearly killed a woman by letting the car jump a tiny bit. But everyone laughed so that was ok. The customs man was really nice and we all laughed when Evelyn declared us eleven year olds as ‘prohibited and dangerous substances’. They didn’t arrest us but Oscar was glad he had his birth cert to prove he was – like - Oscar. Then we saw a nearly crash with three huge HGVs. But it was ok, just a nearly.

Then we drove for about forty minutes and stopped at a supermarket in Caernarfon and bought loads of stuff – mostly goodies because we were on hols – but stuff like spuds and bread, pasta, meat and even vegetables and fruit (hi Mam – from Oscar xx hi Dad – from Liam oo, see - she is looking after us (she put that bit in too)).Then we got back into the car and it was hot and Evelyn kept going on about the lovely scenery and all we wanted to do was get to Hafan Y Mor and the campsite.

Then we were here and it was huge. Like - really big and lots and lots of people and Evelyn was a bit nervous about that. And our mobile wasn’t ready and we had to wait but that was ok because we had a look around and there was LOADS to do. Like pedalos on a lake and karts and quads and a huge adventure ropeworks place and a deadly indoors pool with huge slides and loads of playgrounds and archery and fencing and even a shooting place and just too much to write about. Then we got our mobile and it was like MILES from all the ain noisy part that Evelyn hated and it was DEADLY. Even though after a few minutes we had it all messed up and homely it had like one big couch and one small couch and a real sized telly and a DVD and a proper cooker not just a few rings and a mad toaster and a micro and THREE bedrooms and two bathrooms, one with a shower and sink and one with a toilet and sink which Evelyn thought was a good idea because then there wasn’t a horrible smell of poo when you took a shower. And it was spotless. So Evelyn was thrilled. We had to help take all the stuff in and mooched about for a while to have a rest. Then we went swimming – even though there was this weird lady at the pool who was trying to be funny and really wasn’t so we had to come back for money for the lockers and we didn’t really want to go back because of the weird woman but Evelyn made us so we did and we were glad cause the slides were the best ever. Nearly as good as at a proper Water Sports Place.

Then we were just wrecked from being up so early and travelling and stuff, so Evelyn made us pasta and chicken and we put on a DVD and ate rubbish for the rest of the night. Evelyn wanted us to go for a walk with her and we said NO! and when she came back she rambled on a bit about how she wished she was an artist because then she could capture the hills and the sea and the sky and the way the light kept changing and we wished she’d shut up. Then she started writing and she did – at least from her mouth.

Then she said we had to say what the best thing was about the day and what the weirdest thing was. Even though we told her we hadn’t really DONE anything and she went off on another ramble about getting up as early as birds and crossing the Irish Sea and coming to another country and a wonderful holiday home and stuff. Even though all we meant was like we only just got here so how could we know what was best?

So we said the arcade on the boat was best (Evelyn threw her eyes up to Heaven) and the weird women in the café and at the pool was the weirdest. We wondered were they related. Her best thing was the scenery and her weirdest was the fact that the planters outside the mobile beside us had real compost and artificial flowers. We think she needs to get out more. Off to bed now and the next day we…………(certainly won't be writing as much.....)